"What conditions are you willing to let go of today?"
and she goes on to list 5 conditions, pointing out the reasoning and importance behind each. it doesn't matter here what her conditions were, but it's making me think of mine.
the condition i need to let go of is the romantic in me. i need to stop fucking around with trying to fall in love. i don't need it to exist. i have a plan right now, and it explicitly includes NOT falling in love. i don't need some stupid boy hanging off me when i'm trying to study in med school. besides, who knows, i may end up as far away as in the caribbean.
at the same time though, my personal beliefs are completely getting in the way of this condition that i'm trying to let go of. my thoughts are a jumble of incomplete sentences and hypocritical ideas.
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~ Buddha
"I love believing in a soul mate, even though sometimes I feel I have no soul to share" ~ Jason Mraz
"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."
i tend to not want to share myself, for fear of being trampled on. it has only happened twice in my life (and i have done it countless times to others), but each time it feels like my world is ending. this past time made me feel like i could never go through that torture ever again. i did eventually heal some months later, but it left a gaping scar -- one that i'll never get rid of. i don't mind having battlewounds, i actually like what they do for my personality, i just don't like getting hurt. the process is too much. besides, i'm young, and i shouldn't let all that emotional crap bog me down.
..... let's just hope that is enough.
jesus. i'm going to go dye my hair now. it's long overdue.