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she'll destroy us all before she's through [entries|friends|calendar]
Nora

[ Website | Become a rock star ]
[ Info | don't want to look much closer ]
[ calander. | The present's just a pleasent interruption to the past ]
[ Memories | hope in me that I could take you there ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Friday, Jan 22nd, 4:01am]
"the only way to have a friend, is to be a friend." thank you, i love you.



but...




all your friends and sedatives mean well, but make it worse.
isn't that what you said.

[Friday, Jan 22nd, 2:54am]
i can't. i fucking can't. i'm out. i wish i could, but i can't. if i can, i need way more medication.
isn't that what you said.

[Friday, Jan 22nd, 2:48am]
[ mood | restless ]

i seriously want to transfer schools and move tomorrow. i've had enough.


it's nothing to do with you, don't be so fucking vain.









i love you so much
do me a favor baby, don't reply.
because i can dish it out, but i can't take it.













i want to leave.
usually it's easier than this. fuck college. just get me through to may. come on, nora, you can do this. you can do this..... you sure as hell can do this.

isn't that what you said.

[Friday, Jan 22nd, 2:23am]
back in high school it didn't matter if you just peaced out. now it does. fuck this shit. how can i find a way around this? i want to get away for a few weeks... HOW?  begging for a road trip.





what would happen if i just left? for serious? what would happen?






GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON.
isn't that what you said.

fuck off, i'm allergic to maine [Friday, Jan 22nd, 2:11am]
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I WISH I LIVED IN COLORADO. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO TELEPORT THERE RIGHT NOW. fuck you derek and max, for making me jealous.


I WANT A FUCKING CHANGE




GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY
isn't that what you said.

take it easy, love nothing. [Wednesday, Jan 20th, 3:24pm]
well let the poets cry themselves to sleep...

i never thought this life was possible
you're the yellow bird that i've been waiting for.
the end of paralysis,
i was a a statuette.
now i'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
and when i press the keys it all gets reversed,
the sound of loneliness makes me happier.


going to work tonight, 4 30 to sometime. too bad the weather sucks again, but hopefully it will still be busy. i need the moulah.

and who's fucking idea was it to have a required class to graduate at 8 45 on monday and wednesday mornings?! seriously. bullshark. i had to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon just to make up for waking up at 8. i want to go out tonight and have some fun. slainte is having some sort of event thingee that i rsvp'd to on facebook... we shall see. class at 10 15 tomorrow, but that's not too bad.

off to work! i like that i'm excited for it.
isn't that what you said.

[Wednesday, Jan 20th, 1:43am]
"nothing good ever happens after 2 am." forget it and just go to bed.

words to live by.
isn't that what you said.

[Wednesday, Jan 20th, 12:33am]
"when ever i look sad make a joke, or do something stupid" originally said by me, but quoted back to me when i needed it most.

i miss those people. fuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
isn't that what you said.

still for love and life [Wednesday, Jan 20th, 12:22am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i am determined to stick to my newfound ideals. i couldn't stay away from facebook though, as hard as i tried. i'm just too curious. i am completely compelled to stick to my other "conditions" though... even if i can't quite describe them completely or even extensively remember them for all they were at one point. maybe i should write shit down more often. even if i did that though, i wouldn't be able to read my own writing.

but i know the point, and why i am doing this, and that's all that matters at the moment.

went to GLB with matty lavoie tonight after my mcat class. it was really nice to just chill with him for a bit, haven't done that with him in a long time. i'm not interested in him the way i used to be, but i really miss all the good times we spent together. he's a great kid, and i get along with him really well.. he's also an interesting, intellectual person, which i appreciate. even if we don't even usually talk intellectually, it's still nice to know i'm not always hanging out with tards. jolly john joined us after a little bit, and that was awesome too. i really miss these kids, and how much time i used to spend with them. i guess i've just done a significant amount of growing up in the past year. i used to spend the night there, getting wasted and hardly sleeping, and get up (or not) to go to class in the morning. i just don't really do that so much anymore... i was in such a different place a year ago. i'd like to think i'm wise beyond my years, and that i pretty much know all i need to for the most part, but i always look back and think about how naive i was, and how much i've grown. i only noticed this tonight when matt said his phone's one year anniversary was coming up. strange, how completely mundane and impersonal circumstances can remind you of a large, chunky, scene in your life. how these small things can make you think of so many emotions and memories that seem so far away... until they are brought back by some seemingly meanless and unimportant detail. almost like the way the sensation of smell does. we are a product of our environments and the specific elements, emotions, people, and situations we have been exposed to.

All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else. -Buddha

this is a great quote, taken from a surprising source...
A human being should be able to change a diaper,plan an invasion, butcher a hog, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects. -Heinlein

if it weren't for the musicalities in life, i don't think i could exist. i love waking up and thinking "this is going to be a good day. no matter what."

i want more tattoos, and have plenty of ideas, but need more money.

i desire a change in my life so much sometimes, but at the same time, i love what i have right now so much. lots of times i find myself overwhelmed with happiness for my situation, job, school, friends, and just in general where my life is. but other times, i want nothing more than to pack all my shit and just drive until i find a place suitable for my endeavors. i've done that too often, and i think the only reason i get that feeling is because this is the first time since i was 13 that i've been in a place with the same friends for so long. it's weird to have a goal, and the future so easily in sight. i am used to, and have come to expect, the unexpected and spontaneous. i guess it's just in my nature at this point.

i love how much snow we've been getting, and it's so beautiful and fresh... but i really long for the careless, golden afternoons. GAH INTERNAL CONFLICT DA;LKIHDSAIHOEWAKALDSLKA;HLD!!!!!




"Ennui has made more gamblers than avarice, more drunkards than thirst, and perhaps as many suicides as despair."

isn't that what you said.

[Monday, Jan 18th, 11:27am]
[ mood | LovinLife ]

"i don't deal with problems no mo. suppose my new job is hangin out, hanvin fun, and crackin wise."

awesome, right? life is fucking sweet. had a funtastic night, amazing snow day, hanging out on my couch watching hulu, and might go boarding later to lay some tracks down in this fresh new powder. FUCK YES. i could not ask for a better 'last day to do nothing and have nothing planned before the semester from hell starts.'

and also: patrick is going to be here on wednesday to look at houses. fuckin NOTHING can get in mah way! what. up.

isn't that what you said.

[Sunday, Jan 17th, 1:01pm]
almost every single dish in my place is fucking dirty right now. the sink is practically unreachable. i think i'll do something productive today and clean them. today is going to be good.

new outlook on life: achieved.
isn't that what you said.

[Sunday, Jan 17th, 2:16am]
[ mood | aggravated! ]

i just dropped my bagel and got cream cheese all over my freakin shirt. bagels are no longer fun.

isn't that what you said.

[Sunday, Jan 17th, 2:05am]
[ mood | content ]

work is fun. midnight adventures with charliah are fun. seeing old, disconnected friends is fun. walking home and telling stories and fantasizing is fun. this is what life should be like always. i will make this my life. fuck the bullshit. here and now, in this moment, i am happy, and i fully intend to stay this way. i wish i had a narrator or inner voice that could always remind me of this vow to myself so that i don't let it slip away.


bagels are good.

isn't that what you said.

facebook and drama [Saturday, Jan 16th, 12:11am]
[ mood | comatose ]

so

i'm taking a break from the popular social networking system known as facebook. i don't need to know what everyone is up to 24/7 and they don't need to know all that shit about me either. if i want to contact someone, i'll call or text them. or you know, just do the good old fashioned hanging out.
i'm also sick of the drama that it tends to create sometimes. it's just not necessary. so for now, i've blocked all comment fields on my profile, i'm not updating, and i'm not checking it. i don't know how long this will go on, but i'm excited to release it from my life for a while.




found out i have anxiety issues today. NOT FUN. wonderfully sketchtastic trip to the ER on a friday afternoon. missed work. that makes me feel like the bad guy, them having to go with one less server, but i needed the mental health day. i wouldn't have been able to function in my condition. so i came home and sat on my couch and watched hulu for a few hours. it seemed to do the trick calming me down. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i have serious issues upsetting people. it in turn makes me super upset and nervous and anxious and just plethora of badness all around. so i'm going to work on that, and get some crazy pills for if it ever happens again.

i need to change something about my life. starting... now.

isn't that what you said.

[Friday, Jan 15th, 4:32am]
[ mood | not here ]


we all sing the songs of separation and we watch our lives bleed out through our hands
that's how it was on the first day, when we saw paris in flames

rain, rain down
i think it's gonna rain, rain down.

here in this collapsed lung of a burrow
there is no sunlight
the sunlight is manufactured in a windowless room
distant and incoherent
businessmen hang themselves.

the lower east side is a jukebox
playing the deadman's crescendo
the needle is a vector
an intersection that we all must cross
a dimly lit hallway where shadows of moths decorate the walls
discard this message
discard this message
discard this message


BURN THIS CITY DOWN
and then on the first day we'll dress this city in flames...





discard this message
throw this bottle back into the ocean
rip this page from the history book
smash all the streetsigns
erase all the maps
forget my name, forget my face
forget my name, because it's gonna rain, it's gonna rain

and it never ends.

isn't that what you said.

to love and to be loved...... [Saturday, Jul 25th, 1:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

i just woke up a bit ago.. so it's still a little early for me to get my mind working properly, but i just read something that i agree with absolutely and indefinitely. i'm a shitty writer myself, but i appreciate good writing like the bane of my fucking existence. that might not make sense to some people, but it does to me, so fuck off.

anyway.

"What conditions are you willing to let go of today?"

and she goes on to list 5 conditions, pointing out the reasoning and importance behind each. it doesn't matter here what her conditions were, but it's making me think of mine.

the condition i need to let go of is the romantic in me. i need to stop fucking around with trying to fall in love. i don't need it to exist. i have a plan right now, and it explicitly includes NOT falling in love. i don't need some stupid boy hanging off me when i'm trying to study in med school. besides, who knows, i may end up as far away as in the caribbean.

at the same time though, my personal beliefs are completely getting in the way of this condition that i'm trying to let go of. my thoughts are a jumble of incomplete sentences and hypocritical ideas.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." ~ Buddha

"I love believing in a soul mate, even though sometimes I feel I have no soul to share" ~ Jason Mraz

"people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."


i tend to not want to share myself, for fear of being trampled on. it has only happened twice in my life (and i have done it countless times to others), but each time it feels like my world is ending. this past time made me feel like i could never go through that torture ever again. i did eventually heal some months later, but it left a gaping scar -- one that i'll never get rid of. i don't mind having battlewounds, i actually like what they do for my personality, i just don't like getting hurt. the process is too much. besides, i'm young, and i shouldn't let all that emotional crap bog me down.

..... let's just hope that is enough.





jesus. i'm going to go dye my hair now. it's long overdue.

isn't that what you said.

[Monday, Jul 20th, 9:54pm]
[ mood | detached ]

i have crazy bruises on my legs from tripping up the stairs at bull feeney's on my birthday. funny thing is, i was still on my first drink when it happened. i bet i looked like the drunkest kid in the place though..

dude i HATE mcat class. 3 hours is way too long to sit in a lecture hall and think about chemistry, physics, orgo, and biology. not to mention, the chairs are made of wood and are really uncomfortable. makes my butt fall asleep.

my mind races with all my longings, but can't keep up with what i got

charle and i are suiting up for her 21st bday. i think it's a brilliant idea. went suit shopping today and got some badass stuff. now we're thinking of getting little tiny cartoon suit tattoos to commemorate the occasion. i want it on a little hanger on my wrist, but don't know if that would cause me problems in the long run, professionally. i'm trying to decide if i give a shit...



i've got a pretty good idea where my life is going at this point. i've got a solid 5 to 10 year plan. but i don't know where my emotions lie these days. i feel so fucking disconnected from people. i know i care about relationships and all that jazz deep down.. but it just makes me nauseous thinking about it. blah blah blah.

the love i sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist..







maybe i just like the chase and games.. meh

gonna go drink myself silly with erin and wade now

isn't that what you said.

hangin out with the thurs [Friday, Jul 17th, 2:58am]
[ mood | ambivalent ]

like i've said time and time again...

i am notorious for fucking shit up.

it won't ever cease to be true.

i should write a book..., "a tale of two noras."

also, i'm going to resurrect my gangster rapper career.

and become a vampire.

swick.




not like anyone reads this shit anyway


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



ALSDKFHAWPEFH;VANEWPOAEWHOFHEWFVOAWEHFIOAHEWFHAW

take that, assholes. what up.

isn't that what you said.

hair drama [Thursday, Jan 4th, 6:20pm]
[ mood | hmmmm ]

so the past few days for me has consisted of figuring out what to do with my hair. i knew i wanted it cut, but i didn't know how. do i trim it? style it? chop it off? OH THE DECISIONS!
so i finally went and got it done.
this is my story in pictures.



this is when i decided my hair had gotten waaaaayyyy out of control


i mean, look at this. it's crazy.


poor nora, you can barely see her face.


so i went to my hairdresser and had her cut it. the short bangs and most of the style were josiah's idea. and i wanted to keep it short on top so i could faux hawk it!


you can kind of see the sides and back with this one...


and here comes my attempt at a faux hawk...


annnnnnnd from the side.. yeah, i really need to get better at this thing. i need to go out and buy some wax and heavy duty hair spray or something.


oo la la?


rocking out.


oh my, what a trip.



so anyway, i would love to get some feedback on this.. i really don't know if i like it yet. i know i'm not in love with the new cut right now. should i keep it? or grow it out? or do something different?

9thought what that song meant isn't that what you said.

[Monday, Jul 18th, 2:20pm]
i'm sure i've posted these lyrics before..
but today only feels fitting for them again,
since the secondary title is "happy birthday to me"
and that's what today is.
happy god damned birthday to me, mother fuckers.

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year...
these wasted years...
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake.
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait
yeah, some things just can't wait...
6thought what that song meant isn't that what you said.

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